This will (over time) become a big collection of funny quotes from bash.org. There is another post for german-bash.org as well.
<nikoJ> Terron, what would you do without the internet?
<Terron> I don't understand the question
<djahandarie> we ain't here to do e-c-e
<djahandarie> we're here to do c-s-e on the w-e-b
<djahandarie> listen to me spit these rhymes
<djahandarie> while i program lines
<djahandarie> and commit web accessibility crimes
<djahandarie> word, son
<http402> You talk like your big on these I-Net kicks,
<http402> But your shit flows slower than a two-eighty-six.
<http402> I'm tracking down hosts and nmap scans,
<http402> While Code Igniter's got you wringing your hands.
<http402> Cut the crap rap,
<http402> Or I'll run ettercap,
<http402> Grab your AIM chat,
<http402> N' send a PC bitch-slap!
<http402> peace
<djahandarie> you're talkin bout down hosts and nmap scans
<djahandarie> while i got other plans
<djahandarie> you're at your new job, but you can't even do it right
<djahandarie> you just create a plight with your http rewrites
<djahandarie> i've been on the web since the age of three
<djahandarie> you just got on directly off the bus from mississippi
<djahandarie> respect yo' elders, bitch
<http402> You've been webbin' since three, but still ain't grown up,
<http402> Gotta update your config and send the brain a SIGHUP.
<http402> You say you're that old? No wonder you're slow!
<http402> You're knocking at the door while I run this show!
<http402> Elders my ass, you're shit's still in school,
<http402> Hunt and pecking at the keyboard like a spaghetti-damned fool,
<http402> Rim-riffing your hard drive like a tool,
<http402> Face it. I rule.
<djahandarie> i erase my harddrives with magnets (bitch)
<djahandarie> all you can do is troll on the fagnets
<djahandarie> and son, my brain's wrapped in a nohup
<djahandarie> it wont be hurt by the words you throwup
<djahandarie> dont mind me while i emerge my ownage
<djahandarie> while you're still over there apt-getting your porridge
<djahandarie> you say i'm still in school
<djahandarie> but the fact is that i know the rule
<djahandarie> cuz you need to go back to grade three
<djahandarie> and you better plea, that they take sucky graduates from c-s-e
<http402> Time to bend over and apply a patch,
<http402> Your brain's throwing static like a CD with a scratch.
<http402> Your connection got nuked and you've met your match.
<http402> You run a single process like a VAX with a batch.
<http402> I'd pass the torch to a real winner
<http402> But it'd just scorch a while-loop spinner
<http402> Caught in a loop that you cant escape,
<http402> I run clock cycles around your words and flows,
<http402> Cuz your rhyme is like a PS fan: it' blows,
<http402> Your water-cooled lyrics leak and it shows,
<http402> Take your ass back to alt.paid.for.windows.
<djahandarie> Good god, I can't even respond to that. :P
<djahandarie> You win haha
* http402 takes a bow
Mike3285: wtf is a palindrome
MaroonSand: no its not dude
* Porter is now known as PorterWITHGIRLFRIENDWHOISHOT
<Strayed> he shot his girlfriend?
<tsingtao> I met this girl at work that I'd enjoy having sex with
<tsingtao> any advice on how i can bring myself closer to doing so?
<TheBaskinator> Just pull down your pants and chase her around. She's bound to fall down sometime.
<jre> There is no profile of a school shooter. They come from all walks of life, all religions; they listen to different music, have different crowds; they are just random individuals who cannot be determined to be killers until they actually kill.
* jre is now known as SoccerMoms
<SoccerMoms> WE BETTER CENSOR MOVIES, TV, MUSIC, BOOKS, VIDEOGAMES AND THE INTERNET THEN
* SoccerMoms is now known as Politicians
<Politicians> K
* StorDuff has joined #suicide
<StorDuff> YOU ARE ALL USELESS
<ManInMoon> tell me something I didn't know already
<Rhombus> US investigators say they have seen neither bodies nor graves while examining a civilian site in central Afghanistan, allegedly targeted by US warplanes earlier this week.
<Rhombus> That sounds like:
<Rhombus> Fox investigators say there is no proof that any henhouses have been raided by foxes.
<Creeper> yeah the last time I tried social activity, I get home...and BAM
<Creeper> Herpies
***Welcome to MSN Support***
<MSN Assistant> Hello how can I help?
<Divination> I recently downloaded msn 6.2 and it has been giving me problems…
<MSN Assistant> Yes, please continue.
<Divination> I can’t stop drinking I think I’ve turned into an alcoholic…
*MSN Assistant has left the conversation.
<Rift> i ditch girls for video games all the time
<@monk-work> toggling between your porn window and your gaming window does not qualify as "ditching girls for video games"
Primus521: hey dude the funniest thing happened to me today
Primus521: im at walmart and this chick is buying a box of tampons and they are missing the upc and wont ring up
Primus521: so the cashier tells his buddy to get a price check on tampax
Primus521: the dude looks at him and says, "the kind u push in, or the kind you hammer in?"
Primus521: lol
Primus521: turns out he misheard him
Primus521: he thought he said thumbtacs
Primus521: you should have seen the look on the chicks face
Primus521: omfg
Primus521: til the day i die
Primus521: i will never forget it
<skrike> I think the people above me are having sex
<skrike> either that or they're sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot.
<JoshtheRipper> Brad do you have any issues with " burn in " on your plasma?
<KnaveBrad> nope
<JoshtheRipper> kool
<JoshtheRipper> How well does it handle blacks
<KnaveBrad> I have it bolted to the wall, so they can't really take it without some serious work
<leo60228> vim is even better
<leo60228> but i honestly don't know how to open a new tab in it
<Pixl> we have reached peak hipster
shadoxx: ...I have 17 terminal windows open right now.
bai: r u a h4x0r??
shadoxx: 2_1337_4_school
bai: dang just don't hack me ok
shadoxx: okay
shadoxx: You could be infosec bai. Ur pretty good
shadoxx: I was going to hack you, but then you appealed to my humanity.
bai: social engineered af
<akrs> You know you have fallen far from the path of light when you have to read the git man pages for push
<buffalo> fallen from grace, akrs
<akrs> I'm gonna do a git push -f +[sha]:master
<buffalo> that's a dark arts spell, that is
<buffalo> such commands do not come out of love, compassion, and understanding
<buffalo> they come from malice
<buffalo> and the will to destroy
<buffalo> and chaos
<Papa_Wa> Anyone else struggling to login?
<Udungoof> i'm struggling most of the time
<Udungoof> not necessarily with loginservers though
<Udongoof> life mostly
<Lauren> I have this recurring javascript error
<Lauren> Uncaught TypeError: Illegal invocation
<gasp> did you try running it during full moon ?
<sikory> hmmm, people found a severed head in amsterdam
<sikory> police thinks that it might be connected to the headless body they found yesterday
<Gamah> sikory: well obviously it's not connected...
<nwa_> someone sniff me and send me a copy of all the info you collect, i am most interested
<beeMind> nwa_: I've been sniffing you and I have some info. You smell funny.
[Bords] im sick of ppl making fun of "uranus"
[Kirby] yeah me to.
[Kirby] Hey! Let's rename it!
[nosebleed] let's call it urrektum
Trikkz R 4 Kidz: YO
Trikkz R 4 Kidz: WASSUP?
tetsu2051: presumably not your shift key
digicow: I'm gonna train my children to say sudo instead of please
<bLaKeiMuS_TiReD> i had a dream 2 nights ago that my penis was stuck in the hole of a TDK silver cd and i was really nervous
<jAyVeNoMx> damn dood if my dick fit in a CD hole I'd be nervous too
<Jonathan> So, let's assume I have a display connected via DVI.
<jimmy> yes jonathan your porno will be crystal clear
<Jonathan> jimmy: but I like my porno to be all smeary and blurry like I'm in an adult theater with some fat smelly guy pulling his crank behind my seat!
<jimmy> then you need to use the native windows drivers for your video card
<Jonathan> Okay, thanks.
*** Thraken has quit IRC (Quit: When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'.)
* Kurayamino chews on 3DSmax
<Kurayamino> it knows i'm gonna replace it with version 6, i swear to my lack of fucking god.
<Kurayamino> max5: "whats this cunt downloading? holy shit! max6!" max6: "muah hah hah, bow to me, for i am superior and you will be deleted" max5: "fuck this. lets CRASH TO DESKTOP at RANDOM INTERVALS for NO FUCKING APPARANT REASON!"
<Lazzay> PREPARE ALL ASSES FOR IMMEDIATE ENTRY
<r-j> ebay bought paypal for 1.5 billion dollars
<Doh_> wow
<smozoma> i wonder if paypal used ebay to sell themselves to ebay?
<smozoma> and did ebay pay by paypal?
<r-j> lol
<baguette> hey, anyone know how to find a hamster?
<is> set a cat loose
<is> the location of the hamster and the location of the cat will converge quickly
<is> though it may be difficult to separate them again...
<Shark> i'm the only human that has actually seen the loch ness monster
<SeXyBW> is that what you call it now shark?
<Shark> haha, that's what i call my dick
<SeXyBW> so you are the only one that has seen it eh
<iibbmm> Stupid World of Warcraft.
<iibbmm> I have no money, I have no skills. All of the hot hot elvin women are dancing with the big warrior guys. It's college all over again.
<DigDug> ....
<ogw-iii> ...
<Denshuu> ..
<silicon> all excellent points
Far2Paranoid: Knew this guy in HS
Far2Paranoid: Built a box with 2x 350Mhz Pentium2, back in '98
Far2Paranoid: The trick was, filled his bathtub w/ glycerin
Far2Paranoid: Took apart a mini-fridge and used the coils to cool the glycerin to ~40F
Far2Paranoid: Then sunk the box so he could OC the CPUs to 1.3Ghz
Far2Paranoid: Coolest shit I've ever seen.
AlbinoChpmnk: If this was sitting in his tub, how did he shower?
Far2Paranoid: After what I just said, what makes you think he showered?
Govind: once I saw a sign that said "Parking for Drive-Thru customers only". that was the stupidest thing I'd ever read until I read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child
<sneak> what is a good keto alternative to chips
<sneak> like kfc but from chicken shops not kfc
<S3tanta> I mean
<S3tanta> if you buy a breast of chicken
<S3tanta> and you fry that
<S3tanta> that's keto
<sneak> thats not fried chicken
<sneak> thats just chicken
<sneak> fried
<S3tanta> that's literally what fried chicken is
<S3tanta> chicken that is fried
<randymarsh9> what's the proper way to administer a remote linux server?
<aeyxa> ssh
<phogg> randymarsh9: Hire me to use ssh.
<randymarsh9> phogg: do you take bitcoin
<phogg> randymarsh9: no, I take payment only in Linux support. That YOU provide, later.
<phogg> to other people
<randymarsh9> what is ssh file transfer protocol claled
<aeyxa> sftp
<SporkWitch> scp
<phogg> sftp > scp, but sure you can use scp too
<randymarsh9> ok i want to use scp but whenever i try to edit/move file i get access denied
<randymarsh9> only root has access to modify those files
<SporkWitch> you've answered your own question then
<randymarsh9> i can't login as root though
<randymarsh9> there's gotta be a simple way to do this without changing folder permissions everytime
<randymarsh9> i know how from ssh but want to do the same from scp
<aeyxa> There is, you log in as root
<randymarsh9> no, i turned that shit off because some stupid security blog told me it's the right thing to do
<randymarsh9> you are basically telling me the hard way to do it
<randymarsh9> i already know how to do it the hard way i was looking for something easier through scp
<randymarsh9> telling me to login as root is hardly an answer
<aeyxa> randymarsh9: Log in as your user, then sudo up to root
<randymarsh9> aeyxa: how do you sudo up in scp
<aeyxa> randymarsh9: What files are you moving, where are you moving them from, what have you tried.
<randymarsh9> aeyxa: want to edit files in /etc/
<aeyxa> randymarsh9: Do you have permission to use the root account?
<randymarsh9> yes, but the login through scp with root is turned off
<aeyxa> randymarsh9: If you only want to edit files, I don't know why you're asking about scp and sftp.
<randymarsh9> aeyxa: because if i do it through scp i'm able to use the gui
<akrs> You know you have fallen far from the path of light when you have to read the git man pages for push
<buffalo> fallen from grace, akrs
<akrs> I'm gonna do a git push -f +[sha]:master
<buffalo> that's a dark arts spell, that is
<buffalo> such commands do not come out of love, compassion, and understanding
<buffalo> they come from malice
<buffalo> and the will to destroy
<buffalo> and chaos
< ntc> is it possible to recover encrypted files from an ecryptfs container? i lost the passphrase
< scorbutus> ntc: you could try filing a foia request with dhs
<RoadJoe> I put the F in spelling
<me-money-mix> i put the cum in company
<We_are_Dad> I put the fun in funeral
<GNAustin> I put the myself in killing myself
shadoxx: ...I have 17 terminal windows open right now.
bai: r u a h4x0r??
shadoxx: 2_1337_4_school
bai: dang just don't hack me ok
shadoxx: okay
shadoxx: You could be infosec bai. Ur pretty good
shadoxx: I was going to hack you, but then you appealed to my humanity.
bai: social engineered af
<@MORA> THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
<@MORA> Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
<@MORA> Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
<@MORA> Between 31 and 35 she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
<@MORA> Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
<@MORA> Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes and massive reconstruction is now necessary.
<@MORA> Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia. Very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
<@MORA> Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
<@MORA> After 70, she becomes like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
<commerceheights> wow, I managed to get a syntax error on line 23 of a twenty-line file
<PacerX> i made a kid stop crying today
<bemyfreak> awww, how sweet
<PacerX> i knocked him unconcious
<bemyfreak> WHAT
<Cyb> heh this guy I knew in high school forgot to write an english paper until like the day before it was due and it was supposed to be a work of fiction a couple pages long
<Cyb> so he wrote down the half-life sp story
<Cyb> and stretched it out as much as he could
<Cyb> and got an A
<ptp`R-N-C`efegege> how many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
<The_only_Vanilla_Willy> HOW MANY?!
<ptp`R-N-C`efegege> none they just sit in the dark and cry
<mattb> funeral was for my uncle
<[OmegentooX]> Did he die?
<mattb> that seems to be the popular opinion
<diego>: yea
<diego>: he says he takes four hours to masturbate
<nate>: O.O
<nate>: now THAT'S endurance
<nate>: well, not endurance
<nate>: endurance implies something admirable... it's more like... "stamina"
<diego>: well id like to see YOU stroke it up and down for four hours
<diego>: wait
<diego>: wait
<diego>: no
<diego>: damnit
<nate>: ...
<nate>: wow, and i even got it in writing
<[FU]HiTechOutlaw> ;o :(
<[FU]HiTechOutlaw> :O*
<Nomad> I swear if I ever see you "correct" a smiley again, I'm going to kill you.
<djlaptop> could God write a program that's so intensive that his cpu couldn't run it?
*** mr_bill has changed the topic on channel #unix to Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.
*** mr_bill has changed the topic on channel #unix to oops, wrong channel
<ODD> optimism is having a ups on a win95 box
* Reddog is now known as You
* You have performed an Illegal operation, please Restart Windows
* You is now known as Reddog
* Desh has quit IRC (Quit: brb gotta restart windows...stupid trillian yelling at me)
zadijan: CUSTOMER NOTIFICATION. As of May 2001, Viagra will only be available through chemists by its chemical name. So please ask for MYCOXAFLOPPIN. Thank you.
zadijan: ... OH MY GOD
zadijan: THAT WAS THE BEST EMAIL I EVER RECEIVED
zadijan: EVER
<Trivbot> 18. A baby doctor is a _________.?
<Smitty> o.0
<Rhodz> fucking fast learner
<Tetrad> the program I just wrote 1) compiled the first time without any errors and 2) worked like it was supposed to
<Tetrad> I don't know whether to be proud or scared to death
<tadpoleofdeath> Why do so many math majors confuse Halloween and Christmas?
<elfking> why?
<tadpoleofdeath> Because Oct 31 is Dec 25
[quit:#] moodlet (Connection reset by peer)
<moodlet> thou shalt not unplug the hub to plug in one's hairdryer
<sparkhost> report
<sparkhost> are you alive ?
<roman> :)
<sparkhost> it might be zombies as well
<sparkhost> is 1+1 = 2 ?
<roman> false
<roman> 1+1 = 3 use condoms
<sparkhost> personality hash accepted
<sparkhost> welcome Roman :D
Quit (Connection reset by Cruise Missile)
<t12> my dad wins at potrero hill community meeting aggroness
<t12> he went to one and stood up, interrupted
<t12> said heres the address of a crackhouse
<t12> if you guys dont raid it and shut it down
<t12> i'll go to it myself
<t12> they're like "those are armed dangerous people!"
<t12> he's like "i'm a combat vereran! I've killed thousands of people already"
<t12> "if you dont go clean it up you'll find youself in the weird position of protecting crackheads from me"
<t12> they did in fact shut the house down
*** Gad is now known as REGISTER.
*** REGISTER is now known as IDENTIFY.
*** IDENTIFY is now known as Gad.
<petn-randall> Gad: /msg nickserv help
<Dark-Jedi> Just wait, his nick will change to "HELP" any moment now.
*** Gad is now known as HELP.
<Papa_Wa> Anyone else struggling to login?
<Udungoof> i'm struggling most of the time
<Udungoof> not necessarily with loginservers though
<Udongoof> life mostly
<@Beramode> nall?
<+Nall> Huh?
<@Beramode> are you outside my apartment?
<@Beramode> it sounds like someone's raping a duck out there, but i don't wanna look, so i had to ask.
<+Nall> ...Are you room 7F?
<@Beramode> maybe..
<@Beramode> are you raping a duck?
<+Nall> maybe..
<Fryboy> A fast internet connection has more long term value. Your typical 18
year old girl is good for about 1 night....then either she gets
bored and moves on or you want to strangle her after hearing "Like,
you know, and stuff" in EVERY goddam sentence.
<Fryboy> Now Gigabit Ethernet....that's the gift that keeps on giving.
<CogNiTO> us can suck meh balls
<FlyingAttackPorcupine> .... no it doesnt
<FlyingAttackPorcupine> no it cant, your balls are too small to be sucked on.... they could, however, be inhaled through a straw
<CogNiTO> well
<CogNiTO> do that then
<@KrayWolf> Microsoft Windows: A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor which was written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition.
<@fragility> why is my modems "activity" lite flashing like crazy??
*** fragility (fragility@lsanca1-ar14-4-47-119-104.lsanca1.dsl-verizon.net) Quit (Ping timeout)
<Lachlan> Doogie, what the fuck do you think the emergency generators are there for?
<Doogie> ummm....
<Sam> Generating Emergencies.
<LoY|Steam> fucks sake
<LoY|Steam> i tell you what is embarassing
<LoY|Steam> when you go on a date with a lass
<LoY|Steam> who is rather plump
<LoY|Steam> and you try to pick her up as a bit of fun
<LoY|Steam> but physically
<LoY|Steam> you cant fucking lift her
<LoY|Steam> worse fucking date ever, got no sex and put my fucking back out
Good Book Report
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
<BadM0f0> Hello, this is a Polish virus. Since we do not have the technology to create a real virus, please delete all files on your home directory.
<[GSF]Pyronus> CAPSLOCK IS AUTOPILOT FOR COOL
<@moss> oh jesus
<@moss> its 6 PM
<@moss> not am
<Tiq> XD
<Tiq> What have you missed, moss?
<@moss> uh... wednesday
<Tiq> HAHAHA
<P1E> greetings, IRCMonkey
<IRCMonkey> Hi, I'm just wandering here, irc 1st timer!
<P1E> there's first time for everything I guess
<P1E> =]
<IRCMonkey> :-))
<IRCMonkey> Good bye! See you!
<-- IRCMonkey has quit (Client Quit)
<P1E> wow, that was, er, short
<CharlieG> the first time usually is
<limi> does anybody know where the Table of Contents generator is, to save me of the embarrasment of talking to a virtual paper clip?
<Shift_Wreck> OMG guys you gotta hear this
<Shift_Wreck> So i goes to the grocery store to pick up smokes and a frozen pizza.
<Shift_Wreck> I get my things and head to the 12 items or less line.
<Shift_Wreck> i get in line just as the guy in front of me is setting his items down on the conveyor belt thing
<Shift_Wreck> his items were: get this
<Shift_Wreck> a box of condoms, a medium sized cucumber, a tub of margarine and a 12 pack of beer
<Shift_Wreck> I imediatly am thinking "lolwut?"
<Shift_Wreck> well i couldnt help but make that reverse nasal snort sound you make when your trying to keep from laughing.
<Shift_Wreck> well i couldnt help but make that reverse nasal snort sound you make when your trying to keep from laughing.
<Shift_Wreck> oops
<Shift_Wreck> the guy and cashere must have heard it because they both turn to look at me
<Shift_Wreck> im grinning from ear to ear now and my eyes are darting from the guys face and the items he had on the belt
<Shift_Wreck> i catch the casheirs eye and i look at her and shes looking at me like 0_0 and shaking her head "no dont!"
<Shift_Wreck> this all was a few seconds but it felt like an eternity...
<Shift_Wreck> well i finaly says to myself: "shift, youve gone this far, may as well say something"
<Shift_Wreck> so i say to the guy (still with this huge grin) "going to a party?"
<Shift_Wreck> The girl just loses it and starts laughing
<Shift_Wreck> the guy just scowls at me
<Shift_Wreck> looks to the girl
<Shift_Wreck> and walks away leaving his items there at the checkout
<Shift_Wreck> it was kinda awkward
<Shift_Wreck> pizzas good though
<JinBOT2000> beware
<JinBOT2000> or I will reveal my BIGGEST CREATION
<JinBOT2000> <")3
<JinBOT2000> A CHICKEN
<JinBOT2000> IN ASCII
<JinBOT2000> Dare you test me, boy?
<hydro`> i had this weird dream
<hydro`> someome broke into the house
<hydro`> and changed the wallpaper on the computer and left
lemonlimeskull: Keith dodged a serious bullet thanks to his massive stupidity.
Opium: Hmm?
lemonlimeskull: Well, as you may know he lost his license months ago
lemonlimeskull: So he's been biking everywhere, which has lead to him losing a bunch of weight
lemonlimeskull: He bikes to Walmart today and as soon as he gets to the electronics department, realizes his wallet's fallen out, probably somewhere along the highway.
lemonlimeskull: So he takes the memory card he wanted, puts it up in his baggy sleeve, and goes to leave.
killjay: Uh oh
lemonlimeskull: Yeah.
lemonlimeskull: Naturally, security stops him as he gets within 5 feet of the front doors. This huge obese woman who is obviously having a really bad day - or just hates her job.
killjay: o shit
lemonlimeskull: She stops him, GRABS his arm, RIPS up his sleeve, and WRENCHES the card out of his hand.
lemonlimeskull: He knows he's screwed so he starts crying in the middle of the fucking store. He cries all the way back to the security office, and everyone's staring at him the whole way.
Opium: So he's sitting in jail right now
lemonlimeskull: That's the awesome part. The manager takes a look at him, notices the bike helmet, poorly fitting clothes, lack of any ID whatsoever, and the fact that he's crying like a three year old.
killjay: .... -_-
lemonlimeskull: Yes. He was let go and the security woman got chewed out for hurting a "retarded kid".
<Grimhound> You know. You'd think that the human body, being the product of millions of years of evolution, would eventually learn to dull pain when it becomes a chronic thing.
<ryzorg> that seems true
<@AndrewPH> that would be counter productive
<blazemore> i need to find a used ddr 3rd mix machine
*** Joins: DigDug (digdug@dialup-63.214.200.78.Philadelphia1.Level3.net)
<AlmtyBob> good fucking luck
<AlmtyBob> you're looking at $8000 wihtout shipping
<AlmtyBob> even used
<DigDug> whatcha talking about, bob?
<AlmtyBob> a filipina chick
<AlmtyBob> the ones you buy in exchange for bringing them to the us
<blazemore> my dad is thinking about helping pay for one so we can stick it in an arcade and make some money :o
uiu BitchX: Join to #discotheque was synched in 2.229 secs!!
<digdug> why so few people? :/
<bocz> i wuz hungry
(jeek) Jesus Christ.
(jeek) How the hell am I supposed to swallow two alka-seltzer pills.
(jeek) ?
(seawolf_) put them in water first
(jeek) But then they'll dissolve
(jeek) Oh, I get it
(jeek) n/m
<Storm> Ah shit theres a fire in the dorms
<Storm> Guess I should leave, brb
<Zekk> Hhmm.... that sucks
<Storm> Whew, it got put out
<Zekk> Everything OK?
<Storm> Yea, we are thinking about starting another one to get all the chicks out there in their underwear again =P
<Wonderboy> so what you're hacking?
<MastaB> im not a hacker, im coder
<Wonderboy> what you're coding?
<MastaB> Hack tools.
<cbf> oh that reminds me, I might've given your number out in a irc channel last night
<Mr_E> are you fucking serious?
<Mr_E> if you're the reason some cunt called me at 4 in the fucking morning I'ma throw bricks through your window
<MyKe> YEs, my uk,eybo;ard is o;ffilcilail.il.il.y...bro;uk,en (ilf yo;uk co;ukil.dp't teilil), so; IL wo;np' t be c'h;attilng mukch fo;r the next weeuk, ukntil the new o;ne co;mes. Do;np' t asuk.
<nJess> God that stings like a motherfuck
<nJess> I just picked up my airsoft
*** Kederaji has joined channel #C&T
<nJess> And it discharged, into my face.
<nJess> At a range of about a foot and a half.
<Kederaji> O_o
<Kederaji> I always walk in at bad times.
<aamP> i named my two goldfish 1 and 2
<aamP> because if 1 died i still had 2
* PuffinFreshWog munches on the contents of a huge viagra bottle
<PuffinFreshWog> guess what
<HyperHorse> what?
<PuffinFreshWog> i'm not typing with my hands right now
<HyperHorse> whatwhatwhatwhat?
<PuffinFreshWog> :o)
<PuffinFreshWog> you don't want to know how i hold down shift
<germonik> pot is the one truth in the universe.
<germonik> it will neverget pissed at you and not wanan hang out.
<germonik> it never freaks out.
<germonik> it never whines.
<germonik> it never argues with you over stupid shit.
<germonik> even if all my friends abandoned me, pot would still be there for me.
<germonik> pot's a member of my family.
<FDR> That's because it's dead and it lacks the ability to move.
<JakeD> My fingers are so fucking big that I'm all like "apjps0-3" just trying to type the word "hi"
<Winter> wow, i bet you're a hit with the ladies.
<JakeD> Yeah. "Hi, I'm Lisa." "apjps0-3" "....Fucking freak."
<Winter> i was thinking IRL, but i suppose you're more clumsy there?
<JakeD> That was an IRL example.
<davidr> w00t! I installed a camera and a monitor ... the cam points at my door so I don't have to turn my head to see if somebody opens the door
<iku> ;D
<davidr> and now I'll start recording everything so I don't even have to listen to my family, I'll just watch it when I have time
<Cruzin3434> member me fag boy
<zaim> depends
<Cruzin3434> you fucked my grandpa the other day
<zaim> nah dude
<zaim> wasn't me
<zaim> wait
<zaim> what day was it
<Orphic> you any good at physics?
<meowcow> when i run into a wall i usually stop
@JeanerBean677 (Twitter)
MUELLER'S GONNA GET YOU
MUELLER'S GONNA GET IVANKA
MUELLER'S GONNA GET JARED
MUELLER'S GONNA GET DON JR
MUELLER'S GONNA GET ERIC
Y'ALL GOING TO PRISON
WHO'LL RAISE IVANKA'S CHILDREN?
WHO WILL SURVIVE PRISON?
YOU'RE GONNA BE BROKE
@realdonaldtrump
#RoastTrumpIn4Words
<G-ZeuZ> When two people kiss, they create a tube with an asshole at each end.
<wufei> put that in your online dating profile
<wufei> you'll stand out
<@charlie_x> i have a command line program on my pc called dont.com
<@charlie_x> if you type dont format c:\
<@charlie_x> it says
<@charlie_x> "ok i wont"
<sic1> so you tried to go home
<sic1> and it wouldn't start?
<sp4nk> Indeed.
<sp4nk> I wish I knew a thing or two about cars.
<sp4nk> I wonder if there's a troubleshooter online that's like Microsoft's thing.
<sp4nk> Problem: My car will not start.
<sic1> HAHAHA
<sp4nk> Suggestion: Have you tried turning the key?
<sp4nk> [ ] Yes, this solved the problem.
<sp4nk> [x] No, the car still will not start.
<sp4nk> This troubleshooter is unable to solve your problem.
<@Rask> ... oh man
<@Rask> The next version of TCP/IP
<@Rask> Must replace SYN and ACK
<@Rask> with ORLY and YARLY
<Eddo36> sometimes I feel like shit, you know, what sick shit I get off to. but I can't change
<Littlelisa> You know eddo, if you never said anything, people may like you
<Eddo36> if i never said anything, who would know me?
<Littlelisa> thats the point
<Frag_> whats a good bench mark program?
<Ghaleon> Frag_: deltree /y c:\windows
<Ghaleon> the longer it takes, the slower your computer is
<Ghaleon> (ps, just a joke)
<Frag_> uh can i undo deltree?
<Neo> so you know those peta campaigns, "I'd rather go naked than wear fur"?
<Neo> it's a pretty horrible idea when you think about it
<Neo> "stop eating animals or we'll keep showing you pics of hot chicks all naked like"
<Neo> yeah, brillant plan there guys
<jimmy_> i use norton
<BoltBait> Norton's is the most annoying anti virus software ever!
<jimmy_> what do you meen? i hardly notice notice its there
<BoltBait> Really? Then it's probably not working.
<jimmy_> ...
<jimmy_> u may be right
<jimmy_> the tray icon isnt there anymore
<jimmy_> shit!
gazz: A bullet may have your name on it, but shrapnel is addressed "to whom it may concern".
<Helen> Well my husband never yells at me
<Helen> Neither he swears nor say rude stuff to ppl
<Helen> And he almost never stays late by computer
<Helen> And he never cheats on me and never goes to that horrible drinking places like pubs and stuff
<Helen> Isn't he great?! ^_^
<DialSoft> Hmmmm..........
<DialSoft> Try poking him with a stick
<DialSoft> He seems pretty dead
<Gav> Freshly reinstalled computers are a bit like a pair of new shoes - you're happy that you've finally got a new pair, but they're awkward to use for a little while :-)
<Nautilus> God I hate little brothers
<Nautilus> 11:59 P.M. on april fools, he sets off a bash script that logs into my company's server, uses ipfw to block out _all_ ssh connections, and changes the site to display goatse.
<OneMan> haha that's a good get-back
<OneMan> did you change it back?
<Nautilus> <Nautilus> uses ipfw to block out _all_ ssh connections
<OneMan> 1 Dr. Jack Kevorkian cure-all, comin' right up!
(@Cradly): wouldnt you want to know if your box can be easily rooted?
(@Slyder) Its not entirely my box ;)
(@def): would you like it to be?
<otto|sleep> 3. What is the longest river in Scotland?
<otto|sleep> Here's your 1st hint: t__
<rP^paveway> teh river
<otto|sleep> Here's your 2nd hint: ta_
<rP^paveway> tet
<rP^paveway> tat
<rP^paveway> taq
<rP^paveway> taw
<rP^paveway> tae
<rP^paveway> tas
<rP^paveway> tad
<rP^paveway> tag
<rP^paveway> tac
<rP^paveway> tah
<rP^paveway> taf
<rP^paveway> taj
<rP^paveway> tak
<rP^paveway> tab
<rP^paveway> tan
<rP^paveway> tam
<rP^paveway> cmon...
<otto|sleep> Time's up! The answer was: tay
<rP^paveway> mother of god
[Sam] Damnit, no sex for me tonight.
[Ven] In the doghouse?
[Sam] No, she has roommates and I have roommates, but she was supposed to go to her sisters tonight to babysit and I was going to go over after the kid went to sleep. He's like 1 and a half so he sleeps at like 7.
[Ven] So what's the problem?
[Sam] Her sister cancelled cause of the crappy weather.
[Nat has joined the chat 19:12]
[Sam] So no sister so no sex for me.
[Nat] You're all such sick fucks, I'm not coming in here anymore.
[Nat has left the chat 19:13]
[Sam] ...
<redwyre> kez said you you are a whiney bitch
<TraumaPony> Haha
<redwyre> and that you smell
<TraumaPony> Heh
<redwyre> and that you're gay
<TraumaPony> Lol
<redwyre> and that you like visual basic
<TraumaPony> THAT CUNT
<Penguin> All I did was try to brighten up their days, with racial hate propaganda.
<cow|a> ahhaah
<cow|a> as you should.
<Penguin> And what do they do in return? Ban me!
<ExplosiveTwinkies> Ok, my sister calls Compuserve to cancel my net(thank god), but unfortunetly, only the account holder(Me) can speak to the operator. But I'm a 'minor' so I can't.
<ExplosiveTwinkies> So I can't speak to the operator AT ALL. I can't give my sister the 'authority' to talk, cause I cannot speak to the operator.
<ExplosiveTwinkies> Then... suprise suprise, the operator asks for my WIFE.
<zerox-> who has paypal
<KermyAWAY> thousands upon thousands of people
<zerox-> ok who has paypal that would be willing to do me a favor
<KermyAWAY> no one
<zerox-> ok let me rephrase it 1 more time
* SNguyen sets mode: +o zerox-
<@zerox-> who wants to do me a favor or else be banned
<hydro`> i had this weird dream
<hydro`> someome broke into the house
<hydro`> and changed the wallpaper on the computer and left